hannah_chapter1: (Dunecat)
Title: Perverting the Course of Justice
Author: hannah_chapter
Pairing: Dom/everyone.
Rating: 18/NC-17
Summary: Why m'lud, 'tis an outrage! How is a man expected to get a fair trial in a courtroom like this?
Feedback: Yes please.
Badfic: And how!

This is the worst thing I have ever written. I regret nothing!


The clerk of the court stands and clears his throat.

"Order in the court! The trial of Dominic Howard is now begun, the Right Honourable Thomas Kirk presiding. All rise!"

The judge enters the courtroom as everyone stands up. He takes his position on the bench.

"You may be seated. Mr. Wolstenholme, you will now state the case for the prosecution."

"Very good, m'lud. The defendant, Dominic James Howard, stands accused of the following offenses: public nudity, conspiracy to commit public nudity, inappropriate behaviour in several public places and being a filthy pervert and unrepentant man-slag."

"Thank you, Mr. Wolstenholme. Mr. Bellamy, how does your client plead?"

The counsel for the defence confers briefly with his client.

"We plead not guilty, m'lud."

"Not guilty?" Judge Kirk consults the stack of papers at his right hand, "I have before me dozens of statements from witnesses to your client's outrageous public perversions. You client has, in full view of large crowds of people, had carnal knowledge of half a hundred women, twice as many men and the entire contents of a fruit stall."

Judge Kirk takes off his glasses and reads the last statement again.

"A fruit stall? Good grief," he glares down at the defendant, "what do you have to say for yourself?"

The defendant laces his hands behind his head.

"Those filthy little sluts were asking for it."

"Were they, now?"

"Oh yeah. You know what they say, a woman for duty, a boy for pleasure, a melon for ecstasy. I couldn't resist."

"No, I've never heard that particular expression before. I'll never eat fruit again. Mr. Bellamy, your client has just confessed to his crimes, in full hearing of myself and the jury. Do you wish to change your plea?"

"No, m'lud, I wish to plead mitigating circumstances."

The prosecution leaps to his feet.

"M'lud, this is ridiculous. I want a ruling and I want this pervert locked up."

The judge ignores him, turning his attention back to the defence.

"Explain yourself, Mr. Bellamy."

"Of course, m'lud. While it is true that my client has committed many questionable acts, he is not answerable. You see, he possesses an insanely strong sex drive that makes him want to shag almost every man and woman he sees. This on its own would be bad enough, but he also possesses incredible sexual magnetism that makes him impossible to resist. It's a vicious cycle, his so-called victims can't resist him and he can't resist them. There is no fault here."

"Do go on, Mr. Bellamy. Can you produce anything that supports this theory of yours which is, if you'll excuse my language, bats-arse insane?"

"Yes, m'lud. You know I'm a happily married man with three lovely children and no homosexual leanings whatsoever."

"I do, you certainly go on about your bloody family often enough."

"And yet, family man or no, I have spent this last week being shagged into another dimension by my client."

The court erupts The defence waits for the noise to die down a little.

"And so has the counsel for the prosecution."

The prosecution thumps a fist into the table before him.

"Lies! Lies and malicious slander!"

The defence picks up several photographs and approaches the bench.

"I have the proof right here, m'lud."

Judge Kirk looks through the pictures.

"I see. Very interesting, very interesting indeed. I will pass these along to the jury, then post them on the internet. Mr. Wolstenholme, do you have anything you'd like to say to this court?"

The prosecution tries in vain to hide the erection now tenting his robes.

"I couldn't help myself! Nobody can!"

The judge bangs his gavel.

"Well Mr. Howard, it seems you have managed to corrupt the defence and the prosecution. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

The defendant smiles.

"Yes, m'lud. I've corrupted the jury as well."

"What?"

"I've shagged every last member of the jury, m'lud."

The members of the jury giggle and produce scorecards, rating the defendant 11 out of 10. He winks and flashes the jury a smile; half of them faint, the other half begins to masturbate. Judge Kirk tries to restore order. When he turns his attention back to the defendant he gasps in astonishment: Howard is now naked from the waist down.

"Mr. Howard! Why have you removed your trousers?"

"It's hot in here, don't you think?"

The people in the gallery are trying to get a glimpse of the defendant's mighty meat-pole. Some of them have even got binoculars. The judge bangs his gavel.

"The counsel for the defence will take his mouth off the defendant's penis."

"Sorry. m'lud."

The counsel for the defence wipes his mouth and sits in his chair. Judge Kirk bangs his gavel again.

"That goes for the prosecution as well."

"Sorry, m'lud."

The counsel for the prosecution wipes his mouth and goes back to his chair. The judge takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes. The courtroom has degenerated into chaos. The entire jury is now wanking like an angry orchestra and the defendant is screwing his lawyer, the prosecution watching and playing with himself while he waits for his turn. The judge bangs his gavel one last time.

"This case has been the most trying of my long career. Due to the corruption of so many members of this court, I feel I have no choice but to dismiss this case. Mr. Howard, when you have finished with the defence and the prosecution, come see me in my chambers. I want to have a long, hard discussion with you."

The defendant is still drilling his lawyer, but he manages a nod and a smile.

"Certainly, m'lud. Nothing would please me more."

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August 2016

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